I just took a walk down memory lane while looking back through my blog and I asked myself quite a few times, 'Really? Is this the same girl?' "Did I really write that?" The truth is, I miss that girl! I'm shocked at all the little things that I wrote down, why can't I remember those anymore. We do have good days, but most days are spent trying to survive, at least that's what I feel like.
I must admit, I miss Riverton, for very many reasons, but one big one, is I feel like I was my own self. I didn't care about what anyone else thought of me, aside from my Heavenly Father, Rob and Evva.
I feel like that is something I'm really struggling with these days...but I'm getting there. I'm slowly starting to feel like I can and want to do things again. I'm glad that I took on sewing projects this Halloween because I needed it. I'm getting there. Today I painted a desk I've been wanting to paint for years.
It's just an adjustment, and I feel like the past year of our lives have been constant adjustment. First we move to Garland, then we move to Brigham, Rob was in Football, I was pregnant and SICK! We had house projects, then baby projects, then baby, then summer (thought there would be relief), my amazing husband took a job that was WAY more than what we were bargaining for and it ended up being a big blessing, then Football was underway again, school, and now, just now...one year later... I feel like I'm starting to feel like myself again.
But the truth is, I miss that girl I was. Can I be the good parts of her again? 'Cause really, I know I've learned a lot since then, but it was good then. There were a lot of good parts. And now...now I'm lost. I don't know who I am with my peers. (Is this high school?) I feel like I have to conform here. To what, I'm not sure. I'm just so torn. I don't have a person here. Nothing comes naturally, I feel like I have to force many things here.
There are glimpses that I get that I feel come from my Heavenly Father. Little thoughts when I see women I've looked up to for years in the community out and about, I have the thought of gratitude that my children will know them. And thoughts that if they can be happy here, I can be happy here. But it's hard. And the hard part is, I don't recall feeling this way with Evva, but perhaps I did. I just know that I'm going to get better at the little things. Little things with my kids and my husband. I'm going to take it all in and write it all down, and I'm going to aline my desires with the person that God wants me to be.
3 comments:
Tati,
I have had the same feelings. Don't be so hard on yourself!! You are a wonderful mommy and wife!! This too shall pass. Last winter I had a huge falling out with all of my friends here. I thought I would never feel confident again. I didnt know who I was or where I belonged. My new wood business made a new person out of me. I can't believe how doing something for my self and by myself has changed my attitude about myself and others. I don't have to depend on others to include me or like me to feel good about myself. It was a major breakthrough in my life. It was a scary place that I was in and I HATED it. I hope with all my heart you can find yourself and put yourself back in your safe place. I don't wish these feelings on anybody. Just know this is Satans plan to make you feel inadequate. Your Heavenly Father does love you and wants you to be happy. (primary songs don't lie). I'm here as a sounding board anytime you need me. love you so much
amber
Tatiana, I feel the same way. I am having a hard time myself and I battle these feelings every day. I'm trying to focus on just being a mom and focusing on my little family. It was hard for me leave a place where we had family and friends to a place where we had NEITHER! I feel very alone at times but I try to keep my focus on reaching out to other people without worrying so much about what they think about me. Otherwise I would have no contact with people here. It's so hard to find that balance between being a wife, mother, daughter, and friend but I know that with Heavenly Father's help, we can do anything. Like the comment before me says, even when I'm having these feelings...I know that it is Satan trying to make me feel bad about myself. That's when I look at my sweet kids and realize that I am enough. I'm not the same person I used to be, but I'm trying to become the me I'm supposed to be. If that even makes sense. Anyway, we love you and I will pray that you feel some peace through a difficult time. I understand.
Tat! I love you and I will be your friend! You don't have to conform..I will love you, always! Girl, go out there and find your crafty, go-getter, super-woman-mom, great sister, great wife, photography-loving, joke-making, wise-beyond-your-years, gorgeous beyond words, loving, caring, amazing...(your should be getting the idea of how great you are by now!), self! I love you very much!
Kenz
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